The Good, The Bad and Dracula 3000

A small section of our brains draws us into bad movies. I believe there is a little person who resides somewhere between our logical brain and our creative brain. This little person just sits there, minding their own business when they catch a glimpse of something they can’t quite figure out. So they go to the logical side…but nothing there helps. Ah, then perhaps the answers lie in the creative side. Even the most abstract, the oddest things can still have merit and even make you stand in awe of their creativity.  But alas, even the library of oddity doesn’t help make sense of what they saw. And so this little person runs back and forth, panic-stricken between the two, looking for answers that will, sadly, never come. And that my friends is what a really bad movies is all about.

I’m not talking about “Man that was dull” or “Jeez that was terrible” I’m talking about movies so bad that it somehow comes full circle to where you want to share this turd gem with all your friends, family and any random stranger that happens to walk by you. A film that brings a smile to your face even though it’s a reminder that there are 2 hours of your life floating around that you will never ever get back, no matter how many deals with God you make. A film of such epic awfulness you constantly ask yourself “This was done on purpose, this is some sort of performance piece and I’m falling for it” but the reality is much sadder.  I do heart-bad movies. There is a reason why they are compared to car accidents; the truly crappy films compel us to watch even when we should turn away or at the very least turn off the TV. We know this is terrible but terrible at such a level that all you can do is stare and see where it goes. This, I believe, is what a moth thinks right before it gets zapped; but at least its torture is over. I don’t care who you are: from the movie snob (“I will only watch movies from countries whose name I cannot pronounce”) to the film purist (“Anything made after 1944 is crap”) we all have that film we know is bottom of the barrel but for some reason there is a soft spot. I love Jaws 3, I mean the idea of a shark attacking a water park balances that tightrope of sheer brilliance and utter stupidity. But while some teeter on the line, others just kick it out of the way or snort it and look for more, DRACULA 3000 is such a film.

If you ever thought “Hmmm I wonder what Bram Stroker being savagely beaten would look like” then this is the movie for you. This grand opus stars Casper Van Dien (the crown prince of direct-to-video), Tiny Lister, Coolio, and Erika Eleniak basically an all-star cast (if this was filmed by your uncle in a basement). In the year 3000, the space salvage ship Mother III happens upon the derelict transport Demeter. Captain van Helsing (Casper Van Dien) and his crew board the abandoned ship. They come across the corpse of the commander played by the great Udo Kier (Whom I’m guessing needed to make a car payment) who happens to be clutching a cross (cue dramatic DUM DUM DUUUUUM). So they get stuck on the Demeter and are getting attacked by the most atrocious Eurotrash Dracula I have ever seen. He’s wearing this gaudy purple crushed velvet outfit that would make Prince cringe and has an accent that makes me believe he went to the Yakof Smirnoff School of Acting. Now when I say “attacked” I mean people disappear and then suddenly reappear as vampires. Dracula only appears in the film for a total of 10 minutes, so don’t blink.

All in all this film is garbage with a capital GAR. Following in the tradition of “characters who have no business in outer space” – You’d think a villain whose main weakness is sunlight being in outer space would make him an unstoppable killing machine but noooope. They just didn’t know where to go with it and just when you think it can’t get any worse they hit you with an ending that makes you want to drop ass-first onto a sword. What’s really shocking is that this is the same guy who directed CRY THE BELOVED COUNTRY, a very good film about South Africa.  Dude what the hell happened??????  All I can say is: Forgive them Bram, they know not what they do.

Straw Dogs (1971)

I still can’t get it out of my mind.

I’m still debating after a few days whether I like it or not.

You’re probably wondering what I’m talking about (or not since the poster is the first thing you see.)   I am talking about the 1971 Sam Peckinpah film Straw Dogs.

This was one of those pieces of celluloid that has been on my to watch list for a looooong time. I like Peckinpah films. The Wild Bunch and Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia are 2 favorites that require me to stop whatever I’m doing and watch whenever they’re on. I like The Getaway and The Ballad of Cable Hogue. Peckinpah was a seminal filmmaker who could seamlessly go from bloody shoot’em ups to quiet interoceptive character pieces. He used a number of films to explore the concept of masculinity and what it means to be a man. He, himself, was a complicated man who suffered from drug and alcohol issues which made him a nightmare to work with but even his lesser films have a bit of engagement that warrant viewings.

Straw Dogs is probably his most controversial film and after finally seeing it, I understand why.  The film stars Dustin Hoffman as David Sumner, a mathematician who, after securing a grant, moves with his wife Amy played by Susan George to her father’s house near her home village In England. Right from get go David is not a welcomed person in this town. He either gets glares or is ignored completely. Amy’s ex makes moves on her and later on is hired to help reroof the garage at her father’s place by his friends. So this piece will have spoilers so if you’re interested in seeing this.

STOP.

RIGHT.

NOW>

Ok back to my piece. The biggest controversy is Amys’ rape. There are actually 2 rapes that occur. The first is perpetrated by Amy’s ex Charlie. She initially declines his advances but he doesn’t take no for an answer and slaps her around, he then tears her clothes off. The eye-opening aspect of this is that during certain periods of this assault she seems to be enjoying it while simultaneously repulsed by it. She is a neglected wife. David is busy with his project and at times is completely annoyed with her. Even when he’s down for some lovin, he kills the mood by taking off his watch and setting his alarm. He removes even the minimalist of spontaneity.  Charlie, while being a monster, shows his carnal desire, something that has been lacking for her. She knows this is wrong in every way but at the same time she has been missing the feeling of being desired. It boils down to the fact that sometimes a woman wants to be fucked. Damn the romance, just take me. Even Charlie, at one point, realizes what he did was wrong but that doesn’t stop him.  And look, just so we’re clear, Charlie should have stopped the moment she said no.

Fellas when she says no, you stop PERIOD.

Just as Charlie and Amy have finished, he looks up and sees his friend Norman Scutt pointing his rifle at him and motioning him to move aside. Amy is unaware of what’s happening until it’s too late. What ultimately became consensual with Charlie, becomes full blown rape with Scutt while Charlie holds her down. Its grim and gruesome. It’s also another look at masculinity, Why did Charlie let Scutt do this? Why didn’t he stop him?  Charlie is the polar opposite of David; he’s a big beefy boy who doesn’t seem to have a problem handling himself but yet he almost cowers when Scutt arrives (and yes he had a gun at first but he put it down eventually).

  Then there’s the character of Henry Niles, a mentally ill man who may have been inappropriate with a teenage girl(s). The town despise him and his brother has to always keep an eye out to make sure he isn’t doing anything lascivious.  Later on, though, the teenage daughter of Charlies uncle sets out to seduce him. They disappear together and her brother let her uncle know she went off with him. The Charlie his uncle and the friends set off to find Henry and, in the process, Henry freaks out and accidently kills the daughter. Henry stumbles out of the fog into the road where David and Amy, having just left the church social, run down Henry. They take him back to their home. When the mob finds out where he is, they come to claim their prize but Dave is having none of it and the siege begins. And this is where things fell apart for me. I knew the basics of the film. I knew there was a rape and I knew David would “man up”. What I didn’t know was that David finally growing some balls and going full Home Alone on these cretins, had nothing to do with Amy’s rape. She never told David what happened so what I thought was a rape revenge film is just them protecting a murderer (they don’t know for sure but we do) who also may have been child molester. I was floored when that revelation hit me. During the attack, Amy repeatedly tells David to let them have him and for the most part I was in agreement. I had no clue why David was hell bent on keeping this guy safe. At one point Henry starts attacking Amy. David stops it but treats him like a child who tried to stick a fork in the socket. Its wild to watch. In the end, most of the mob is killed so David leaves his wife in the house in the middle of all that carnage and drives Henry back to the village, probably stopping to buy him ice cream.

This is mean, nasty, visceral, misogynistic piece of 70’s cinema. It felt like Peckinpah was trying to work out some female issues he was having.  There is not one likeable character (ok maybe one character) but that’s’ not an issue for me. I don’t have to like the people in the film to enjoy it. Just make it engaging and entertaining in some way. I can’t argue that I was engaged but I don’t think for the right reasons. The town is ugly, the people are ugly, the attitudes are ugly. I mentioned earlier that Peckinpah films are studies in manhood. This film is the thesis paper written in blood and spit. Some people may accuse me of judging this film with 21^st Century sensibilities. To a certain degree they ‘re not wrong. I just turned 50 and if my thoughts and sensibilities haven’t changed since I was 20, then just leave me in the wilderness to die because that’s just pathetic. But I also can enjoy a film despite its problematic elements (talk to me about 16 Candles for example). I love 70s cinema; the grit and the honesty, the feeling of freedom those films invoke. But also, I think this film felt extreme for 1971 and it still feels extreme in 2022. Maybe that’s where it succeeds; that it hits that raw nerve 51 years later.

I don’t know if I like it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a definitive feeling one way or the other. There are things I love and things I hate about it. Things I admire and things I’m repulsed by. Good or bad, this fascist work of art as described by Pauline Kael hooked me, got under my skin. I won’t recommend it but I won’t stop you either.

I Heart 80’s All Over

I am a child of the 80’s.  I grew up watching a lot of TV and film. And I mean A LOT. Not only would I gaze in wide wonder at the glowing box that presented my favorite pieces of eye candy like Duke of Hazzard, Different Strokes and Buck Rogers, my father also took to me see films in the theater. Every Sunday he would make pancakes and then it was off to the flickers to see Superman Man 2, The Black Stallion, The Secret of Nimh, and so forth. I would occasionally do revisits of the more classic films like Poltergeist, The Empire Strikes Back or Raiders of the Lost Ark but I started listening to a podcast that started my path to not only re-watching some of the 80’s films I loved as a child,  but also the 80’s films that fell way under my radar.

                                I happen to be on Twitter when I learned about a podcast that reviewed films from the 80s; year by year month by month. I was intrigued and I immediately went to their site 80sallover.com and was quickly introduced to the team of Drew McWeeny and Scott Weinberg.  I don’t’ remember which one I started with but I was hooked from the start. I was entranced by Drew’s rapid fire analytical thought process and his encyclopedia level knowledge of film.  I was hooked by Scott’s comedic timing, his laugh out loud segues and his passion for a film that still holds up or a film that he was irritated by. And it wasn’t just about films, these guys let us in to their lives at times. I loved hearing how Drews’ kids reacted to a particular film or hearing about the outpouring of condolences toward Scott when his beloved cat died or the time I got chocked up listening to Drew get teary eyed while telling a story that was connected to Starman. I loved how they owned up to mistakes and the fact that from this time forward I will no longer be able to hear The Gap Band’s Oops Upside Your Head without thinking of the show. After a while they weren’t just hosts, they were friends. Friends that I had the honor of hanging out with and listening to them speak intelligently and hilariously about 80’s films.

                                The goal was to watch and review every film from the 80s no matter how obscure. That task seemed so monumental but every 2 weeks they came out with new episodes. Add that they had a Pateron page (the only pateron I ever subscribed to) that had bonus content like interviews with Steven E. de Souza, Lea Thompson, Nancy Allen, Barbara Crampton and Bill Hader just to name a few, it makes you wonder when they found time to sleep or have their own lives. But after April of 1985 dropped it would sadly seem that reality came crashing in. They announced they were putting the show on hiatus to try to figure things out. I was surprised they were able to keep that schedule but it was completely understandable that they would need a break. But 3 months later the sad news broke; 80’s All Over was no more. The time and cost was just too much for 3 guys (God I almost forgot producer Bobby). Reading the letter they posted on the site I could almost hear all 3 guys’ collective hearts breaking. You know that they wracked their brains trying come to a solution. Trying to figure out how to make this work but in the end it just couldn’t be.

                                I was happy to hear that the episodes would still be on the site (although the Pateron page would have to close down). I turned the show on to a few friends who also became fans (after a week of listening one friend showed me his Amazon cart and yeah it filled to the rim but not with Brim but tons of 80’s movies). And while there won’t be any new episodes I still want to bring this show to the attention of people so they can feel the enjoyment I felt. I want to thank Drew and Scott for reminding me, for informing me and for making me love the 80’s all over again.

The Ladies Talk the Black Lagoon

I follow a lot of writers and people in the entertainment industry in general  on Twitter. That strange little platform can be a haven for the most hellish parts of the internet. A place that truly embodies giving a voice to everyone including the lowest pieces of gutter trash this side of Satan’s anus. But if you can wade through all that crap you can find some truly shining diamonds. I stumbled on Anya Stanley (@Bookishplinko) when she started contributing on Birth.Movies Death which led me to her website (anyawrites.com) and opened the flood gates to her amazing writing on BMD, Dread Central and Collider. She tackles horror topics with a keen analytical mind and a pure childlike joy that is infectious. Her twitter feed is both engaging and hilarious.  Then I started seeing some writers retweeting a woman named Mallory O’Meara (@malloryomeara). I had no clue who she was at first and then I went on her twitter feed and learned she had written a book called The Lady from The Black Lagoon. The titled alone hooked me as I’m a fan of the classic Universal Monster movies thanks to my mom who is a huge fan of those classic monsters. So when I learned what the topic was, I started following Mallory so I could keep abreast of when the book would arrive. She also has a great twitter feed. Full of funny day to day stories and also great insight.

                                Well the book finally hits the shelves; I bought it and read it in a few days. I loved it.   Part biography on Milicent Patrick who created/designed the Gil Man for Creature from the Black Lagoon but who’s credit for such a contribution was pretty much Thanos’d out of existence.  It’s part detective story as we go along with Mallory on her journey learning about this the woman behind the monster and overcoming the road blocks and brick walls she encountered  and righting the injustice of her lack of inclusion in the annals of creature creators.  It’s also part personal account of what it’s like to be a woman in the entertainment industry in general but more specifically being a woman in the horror community; showing us that while things have improved, women still have a long way to go. All these elements are effortlessly woven together. Everything flows so well without any jarring “what does this have to do with anything” moments. A lot of bios can be a bit dry (I read a bio on Ben Fraklin and I had to drink 25 glasses of water just to get through chapter 1) but this Lady is fun and engaging and informative. You feel the same joy Mallory felt when she discovered new info or when she saw a note written by Millicent or seeing her picture for the first time. The words she uses capture the emotion and you feel as if you are right there with her, you want to high five her. It’s a great book and highly recommend it.

                               Mallory starts her book tour and I found out that, not only will she be speaking at a library not too far from me, but it will be moderated by Anya Stanley. So two of my favorite writers in one room (as Randy Newman said “I love LA”) you bet your Gil-Man ass I’ll be there. I love hearing filmmakers and writers speak about their craft and the projects they’ve worked on.  I love hearing about all the glorious highs and the frustrating lows. I get to the venue pretty early as A) I’m terrified of being late B) traffic can move like molasses flowing upward and C) I didn’t know how crowded it would get.  Getting there early allowed me time to go and hang out in the library. I forgot how much I love roaming the aisles, looking at book spines from shelf to shelf. I love how quiet it is.  We’re all there for one thing; to appreciate the calmness of this environment. It’s here that I start working on this piece and I got to admit the beginning was easier than I thought. I usually write in my room but there are distractions; TV, the internet and so forth. I purposely do not connect to the wifi and I allow myself to be swallowed up by the auditory isolation. Everyone is in their own world and now I being building mine. Time clicks down and the show is ready to start so I pack up and head to the meeting room. It’s a good size room about the size of your average classroom, table up front for our honored guests. They have snacks; water, iced tea, cookies. While the other patrons being to shuffle in with their smiles and nods and their soft spoken hellos, I’m staking out my little spot.  It’s a mix of old and young folks, all with the same joy the book and the author brought them. . There is one couple who have personal knowledge of Milicent Patrick and when I hear their story, regardless of not knowing Mallory personally, I know she will be very excited to hear it.  Mallory arrives first and then Anya. They take their seats and Mallory regales us with what made her interested I this topic and Anya throws out questions that add more color to an already interesting story. The back and forth was great. Here are two writers who know their stuff and are having a fascinating back and forth.  There was a Q&A afterwards that went a lot better than I had expected (I’ve been to Q&A’s where people ask questions for things that were already answered, they use it to plug their own projects or they ask profoundly dumb things like someone asking Paul Verhoeven if he ever saw Schwarzenegger take roids Ugh)   At the end Mallory signed her book (I had her sign mine and a blu ray booklet from my Universal Monster collection) and I had the distinct honor of exchanging some words with Anya who was so nice and just so down to earth who I also had sign my booklet.  I know I said something silly because I was nervous (I get that way when I interact with people who are extremely talented) but my brain is blocking out that area like some traumatic event. All I have is the wonderful memory of meeting two extraordinary talented writers who were also extremely nice and completely engaging who were genuinely happy to meet the fans. Not all meet ups are good but this was pure gold.

Top 10 of 2017

So to add to the rampant unoriginality of the internet at the end of the year, here are my top 10 films of 2017. I could have easily done 20 or 30 as this was a great year for film but 10 is my sweet spot, so lets get to it.

10.

The Thor films have been the weakest of the MCU. Not really bad just bland (which could be worse). You’d expect movies about an Asgardian God of Thunder to be big and bombastic but they usually end up kind of small (the majority of the first film is set in New Mexico so there) But this 3^rd outing does a 180 and takes Thor to where it should be. It’s big, its colorful, the music is amazing and most importantly, it’s fun.

9.

Edgar Wright is my favorite filmmaker. All his film (even the TV show Spaced) show me someone who is having fun being a director. There is a joy that comes through his lens and infects the audience. This film truly captures that joy. Baby Driver is a love letter to the very best of Walter Hill films and it captures that magic that Wright has up his sleeve.

8.

I was white knuckling my arm rest from the moment the film started to when the credits rolled. The movie and the music are unrelenting. It grabs you and doesn’t let go and it hits you with every emotion possible. This is Christopher Nolans masterpiece.

7.

It’s hard to find a trilogy that actually gets better with each film and comes to a satisfying conclusion but the new Apes film did just that. War beautifully wraps up the journey we went on with Caesar; his Rise as an intelligent ape, the Dawn of the apes as a superpower and the War to settle who controls the planet. I teared up a few times  and came away happy with how things ended, it’s a true gem.

6.

Anyone who tells you comic book movies are just kid stuff need to be shown Logan. A film that is pure drama with some fantastic elements. Like Thor, the Wolverine solo films have been, umm well, kind of ok. X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a goofy turd fest, but things got better with The Wolverine. Then came Logan. Loosely inspired by the Old Man Logan comic book, we see a battered and broken Wolverine (long with a mentally broken Professor X) trying to survive in a world where the mutants have lost. It’s an exciting and heartbreaking film.

5.

A truly divisive film. I have had many a spirited conversation about it. You either love it or you hate it and I loved it. Which is saying a lot since I’m not the biggest Darren Aronofsky (Enjoyed The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream while The Fountain is 90min of Aronofsky masturbating to a picture of himself and the less I speak of bad ass macho Noah the better) But Mother is a bold, audacious and engrossing film that you will continue to speak about after the it ends.

4.

A horror movie with a message. A film of terror that makes a social commentary. Get Out hits all the right horror beats while at the same time shines a light on the issues African Americans face in this country.  Jordan Peele showed the world that not only is he a hilarious comedic performer but now he can scare the crap out of them.

3.

Lets face it DC/WB has not been doing well with the live action comic book films. Man of Steel while gorgeous looking brought us a dour and emo Superman. Batman V Superman showed us the fight of the century that was stopped because of a mom’s name and Suicide Squad was Guardians of the Galaxy minus anything entertaining. But them Wonder Woman came in and saved the day with its sense of hope.  It finally gave us a DC hero we can look up to and enjoy.

2.

I absolutely adored Denis Villeneuve’s continuation of the Ridley Scott classic. It does what a sequel is supposed to do; keep enough of the familiar and add new elements to make it fresh. The look and tone perfectly captured the look and tone of the original. A lot of people complained about the running time but I for one could have spent more time in this world.

Before my No.1 film here my honorable mentions:

Murder on the Orient Express,

It

Spiderman Homecoming

The Disaster Artist

Guardians of the Galaxy 2

Big Sick

The Last Jedi

John Wick 2

1.

Guillermo Del Toro continues to be one the greatest storytellers out there. He has created original modern day fairy tales with Pans Labyrinth,  shown his geek cred with Blade 2 and Hellboy and created beautifully terrifying films like Devils Backbone. All those were the warm ups for this, his absolute masterpiece.  A true love story that only Del Toro could make.

Star Trekkin Thoughts

“Well that sucked” – Me after seeing Star Trek into Darkness

Allow me to crack my knuckles and go nerd wild for a moment.

So to begin, I really enjoyed the 2009 Trek movie. It was action packed, it was thrilling, it set the franchise on a new course (see what I did there). When you look at the state of the film series, yeah it needed something new. Star Trek The Motion Picture (universally known as the Motionless Picture) had the most Trek flavor its looooong beauty shots of the Enterprise and loooong scenes of people open mouth gaping set the audience to snooze.  Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan got it right. Having enough familiar things for the long term fans to enjoy but giving something new to anyone just entering this world. Star Trek 3 The Search for Spock picked up where 2 left off. Then the real home run came with Star Trek 4 The Voyage Home. A film that was for everyone and the box office numbers clearly supported that.  Star Trek 5, while ambitious, had suffered from a slashed budget and soap opera style storyline which made it up the weakest of the trek films (Into Darkness would change that) . And then finally Star Trek 6 The Undiscovered Country,  a film with intrigue, a stellar villain and great action: it was to be the swan song for the original series cast and a nice bridge to The Next Generation.

Then we come to the Next Generation films and, after re-watching all 4,  there’s really  only one real good one and one decent while the rest are just bad. First Contact which sees the return of Next Gen’s greatest villains the Borg is the best of the bunch . Star Trek Generations gave us the team up fans have wanted. And while the idea sounded good on paper it ultimately didn’t have the wow factor that a meeting between the two greatest captains should have had. SPOILER: And Kirks 2nd death was so comical I’m surprised he didn’t hold a sign saying HELP ala Wild E Coyote. Insurrection would have been a good two part episode during the series run but it just didn’t have enough going for it to fill the big screen. And Nemesis tried to ape Star Trek 2 but failed with an unexplainable villain and a death that was cheap and pointless.

The death knell was ringing loudly for our beloved franchise. Even the TV shows were losing popularity. Next Gen, DS9 and Voyager all had successful runs with 7 seasons while Enterprise only eeked out 4. Perhaps Trek had run it’s course. The 5 year mission which had become a 40 year ride seemed to be ready for decommissioning . And for while it was gone. Like Kirk in the Tholian Web, it disappeared but periodically there would be glimmers of a return in some fashion. There was talk of a movie with the  DS9 or Voyager crews but those stories were squashed. There was talk of perhaps a new series that would deal with covert missions and more cloak and dagger stuff but once the  fans caught wind they made their disappointment known with their usual calm and subtlety.

Yeah something like that.

Then an idea sprang forth, one that actually had roots with Harve Bennet, the man who saved the films with the great Wrath of Khan. It was right after the release and the less than stellar performance of Star Trek 5.  He had envisioned either a TV series or a film about Kirk Spock and McCoy during their Academy years. It had some traction, Paramount was intrigued by this notion. They saw it as a way of keeping the franchise going for a longer period of time. But at the end of the day the studio was worried about alienating it’s fan base with what might be perceived as usurpers to the thrones. So they scraped that idea and waited.

Enter JJ Abrams.

A work horse writer who penned scripts like Regarding Henry and Gone Fishin’ (yep he wrote that) who struck gold with such shows as Felicity and Alias. Then came LOST and Fringe and it was those shows that made fan boys nerdgasm whenever his name was mentioned. He then went on to direct Mission Impossible 3 and Super 8.

Now at this point I’m not sure who came to who first but JJ and Paramount had a meeting and from there the idea of rebooting the franchise was brought up. Now this can be a tricky thing. Basically this means starting fresh; creating new stories with old characters but at the same time keeping their familiarity so as to not lose the long time fans. It’s a difficult tight rope to balance and I get why they went this route. The cast was getting old (some passing on to meet the Great Bird of the Galaxy), there was no way in Stovakor they were going down the film path with DS9 or Voyager. So they decided on the Academy years; young Kirk, Spock and McCoy meeting and having a grand adventure. But once again the powers that be were worried about nerds scorching the earth because younger actors playing these icon roles. And, to be fair,  there was strong resistance (I will not make a Borg joke). How dare they attempt something new and fresh (As and aside: people were upset that they were using a whole new crew back in 1987 and that turned out to be Next Gen and it became a big hit so stuff it nerds). So instead of a straight reboot they decided to bridge the old with the new. 

They decided that creating a separate time line  would be the safest course of action.  It would allow Leonard Nimoy to don the ears one more time so he could interact with his younger self. Again I completely understand why they went down this path. Nimoy is Trek and having him in your film gives it that stamp of approval. It would silent some, not all,  but it’s a good start. I for one don’t have a problem with reboots and remakes for the most part. I know they have a built in audience and its kind of sort of a safe bet . Besides I still have the originals, so as long as they don’t Lucasify them (verb: meaning to enhance, reimagine, or add too an existing property and then taking away the original so you are forced to only watch the shit revised version).

Hey Chewy you won’t mind that I’ll never mention knowing you right?

So Nimoy is in (Shatner did a film a cameo but it was cut out) and we find out the basic story: Kirks father is killed before he is born in this new timeline and his path to the Captains chair take a detour.  Now we can argue all kinds of things here so I won’t belabor the point. The film is good for someone’s interpretation of Trek. This is not MY Trek. On it’s own its fun and rousing.. And that’s great, I appreciate someone going into a play ground I’ve enjoyed and showing me a new way, notice I didn’t say better. Again I don’t want to be THAT nerd who complains about every little thing. BUUUUT I will say that I have some issues with the whole time line thing. Now one can argue that any change in the time line has ripple effects. What happens to one happens to all (I hate to use this as the example: A Sound of Thunder pretty clearly brought that up with the whole kill a butterfly in the past and humanity becomes non existent in the future.) But the whole history of Trek was so thrown for a loop that I’m surprised they didn’t show Chekov and Sulu playing together in kindergarten. Just from a logic stand point half the stuff makes no sense. The biggest being Kirk getting his own command at the end when he was just a cadet at the start. I mean I know people who have excelled at their job and moved up quickly but there is still tiers one has to climb to get to the top. That would be like the mail boy doing such a good job handing out letters that the owner of the company makes him a Vice President. And don’t get me started on  Kirk,  Spock and Scotty all being on the same planet within miles of each other. But again I understand why they went this route. This Trek film was primarily made with the casual fans or newbies in mind so by the end of the film Kirk is Captain, Spock is science/first officer and everyone else is in their proper and logical places (again see what I did there) So while there are plot holes you can fly a Death Star through (Star Wars reference, thought I’d change it up) all in all not a bad film. Until…

If Star Trek 2009 simplified things, Star Trek into Darkness is the special needs kid who rides the short yellow bus with his mittens taped to his jacket (from this time forward Star Trek into Darkness will be referred to as Ugh That Sucked)
Both films were written by the team of Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, who also give us two Transformers films and Cowboy and Aliens so take that as you will. In a 2009 Los Angeles Times interview Roberto Orci, who has stated he is a huge Star Trek fan,  said
“We always try to approach these big action movies from a place of: Could you remove the robots and the spaceships and aliens and whatever it is and take that character story and make an independent film out of that little story? If you can and then you sprinkle back in the giant robots, you have something very unique.”
So basically without the robots, Transformers is about Shia LaBouf acting like a crazy person…wow talk about art imitating life.

Proposed plot for Transformers 5.

I won’t go into too much detail about Ugh That Sucked, basically if you watched Trek 2009, Star Trek 2 Wrath of Kahn, a bit of Star Trek 3 and the opening scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark then you’ve essentially seen the film. It’s such a mishmash of stuff that makes no sense topped off by the most ridiculous call back to the Spock Death scene in Wrath of Khan. My best friend and I threw our hands in the air in frustration, it was just awful.

So now we are here, in the present. While Ugh That Sucked made money, it made less money than  2009. At the big Trek Convention in Las Vegas, they ranked all the Trek films (they even included Galaxy Quest which I thought was genius) Ugh that Sucked was ranked dead last. A non Trek film was more Trek than Ugh That Sucked and it was also beat by Trek 5 which, up until now, was considered the worst Trek film ever, not anymore. The fans were speaking loudly but Paramount either didn’t hear or didn’t care because Roberto Orci, the man who co-wrote a terrible Star Trek film, co-wrote the awful Transformers film, co-wrote the horrid Amazing Spider-Man 2 was now in line for the directing gig for Star Trek 3.  This would be his first directing job.  I have directed 2 short films and a few plays so I have more experience than this guy. But apparently there has been a bit of a shake up and Mr Oric is no longer involved (His script was tossed out a so Simon Pegg wo played Scotty is apparently co writing the film and Justin Lin, director of 4 Fast and Furious movies, will be taking the captains/directors chair) This film is scheduled to be released in 2016. Now any Trek fan worth his Salt Creature knows that 2016 is the 50th Anniversary of our beloved Wagon Train to the Stars (For you non trekkers that is how Gene Roddenberry pitched Trek to the studio) so the studio is going to push Sha Ka Ree and Earth to get this film in the theaters.

As a life long Trek fan I want to really enjoy anything they put out. Things can’t stay the same forever, actors get old, stories become repetitive; If we want our shows to go on,  fresh blood has to brought in. But with that comes things that we may not agree with but we have to be open to the change. I’m completely ok with new actors taking on these iconic roles. Pine, Quintos and Urban are fantastic as Kirk Spock and McCoy. The look of the films, while feeling like you’re in an Apple Store, feels fresh and new. They have yet to actually explore anything and that’s what I’m waiting for. I want them to go where no one has gone before and show us those strange new worlds one more time.

Until next time. Live long and prosper

Netflix Viewings

This weekend was pretty much a stay at home (for the most part) and Netflix the days away. Most of my viewings were documentaries. Here is what I checked out and some quick reviews.

Directed by William Shatner, this little docu takes a look at the lead actors of each Star Trek show. Patrick Stewart (Jean Luc Picard Star Trek The Next Generation), Avery Brooks (Ben Sisko Star Trek DS9), Kate Mulgrew (Katherine Janeway Star Trek Voyager ), Scott Bakula ( Jonathan Archer Star Trek Enterprise) and Chris Pine (James Kirk Star Trek 2009) all get their moments but with a running time of about 1:30 I felt it was a bit short to really get an idea of each actor. I think an half hour show would have given us a better sense of their lives and some of the pitfalls and triumphs. Still it was a nice little nugget for any Trek fan.

Both these film aren’t just documentaries about exploitation, they are big thank you’s with sloppy kisses and swift kicks to the nuts. Not Quite Hollywood takes you into the insane world of Ozplotation; genre films in Australia. Machete Maidens Unleashed brings us films made in the Philippines. Both these films showcase the best and worst (ok mostly worst) that came from these two countries and there are some gems out there. If you have never dipped your toe in the exploitation/ grindhouse pool then these two films can be your gateway drugs. Highly recommend them

A great film, that not only traces the rise and fall of the notorious sex club Plato’s Retreat but it also gives you a grand view of the freedom that the 70’s was known for. A time when sex wasn’t pushed down by death dealing disease and copious amounts of repressive assholes. Couples could walk in dance, have a buffet (not sure I would eat where there were free flowing bodily fluids) and engage in as much carnal pleasure as your little heart (and any other body part) desired. There were no judgments; tall, short, skinny, fat, any race, any creed if you got the nod, then you could have their bod. The interviews with former employees and patrons ran the gamut from awkward to hilarious. If you’re curious, take a peek don’t be shy and leave your inhibitions at the door.

Hey Look More Oscar Predictions

Ok so I’ve been lazy.
Yes yes I know “where ya been”, “what happened to the blog, we totally missed it” I’m assuming that’s what you are thinking and even if you’re not, well, I will just live in my own little world and pretend that’s what you’re thinking.
I really can’t say why I played the invisible blogger for close to a year. I love to write. I know you can’t really count Facebook statuses or Twitter updates as writing but I always enjoyed trying to get people to laugh or put a thought in their head. But when it came to longer forms of scripture I would doubt myself. I would get an idea, start to write and think “this is shit, nobody would read this” and it gets deleted and I go back to gaining weight on my couch.

But now the drive is back, not lose weight mind you but to start putting words to paper or in this day and age watching them magically appear before my eyes. I’ve been in a holding pattern for too long and it’s time for me to get back to my love and that is writing whatever the hell I want. Actually this first blog will consist of two of my loves, and no the other isn’t vagina…that will come in a later blog. I’m talking about film, cinema, celluloid, the flickers as the old timey folk used to say.

The Academy Awards are coming up and once again I’ve decided to do something completely unoriginal, I will give you, my faithful readers (or is it reader) my thoughts as to who will take home the statue of the naked gold man. As I did last time I will tell you who I think will win, who should win and the dark horse films. Ready Kids…Oh wait before I being let me say this; the fact that Christopher Nolan, director of Inception, is NOT nominated is a travesty beyond reason and the Academy members should be forced to watch repeats of the Star Wars Prequels as punishment for this dastardly deed. Ok now that I got that off my chest, let us begin…

BEST PICTURE
Who Will Win: The Kings Speech– Come on it’s about a stutter, it’s about a stutter who is King and he must overcome the stuttering to be taken seriously. I mean that screams “Give me the Gold!!!”

Who Should Win: Inception-A totally original film, despite the Scrooge McDuck comparisons. You are sucked in from start to finish with its action, its drama and its touches of comedy. Great stuff

Dark Horse: Toy Story 3- No Animated film has ever taken home the big prize. This film was an emotional ride from the get go and while a win would be welcomed I just can’t see this breaking the glass ceiling. But no matter what, Pixar deserves every accolade it gets.

BEST ACTOR
Who Will Win: Colin Firth (The Kings Speech)– The Academy members are suckers for those with disabilities and add the fact that Colin Firth is a damn good actor and you are talking sure fire winner. Hell he could win 2 in a row if his next film is about an Egyptian Pharaoh with a bad case of pink eye.

Who Should Win: Colin Firth (The Kings Speech)– He did an amazing job and thoroughly deserves this.

Dark Horse: Jeff Bridge (True Grit)-Amazing performance in True Grit but I don’t see him nabbing it again from last year.

BEST ACTRESS
Who Will Win: Jennifer Lawrence– She gave an exceptional performance. Now I have never heard of this actress but I think she’s got a bright future ahead of her.

Who Should Win: Natalie Portman– Her performance is so engaging. She makes you feel every cut, every tear and every awkward moment.

Dark Horse: Nicole Kidman- There is no denying the talent but this was not so amazing that it screams Oscar, maybe Blockbuster Award.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Who Will Win: Christian Bale– He really knows how to transform, he virtually unrecognizable in The Fighter. He took a role that essentially was second banana and made it shine.

Who Should Win: Christian Bale– As I said above he just disappeared in this role as he does with all his roles. This is a well deserved win.

Dark Horse: Mark Ruffalo– I really like watching him, he’s very engaging and just a natural but this performance really isn’t anything special. It’s good it’s not like it really stands out from the other things he’s done. He should have been nominated for either Shutter Island or Zodiac.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Who Will Win: Hailee Steinfeld– In my humble opinion I think she stole some scenes from both Bridges and Damon. The characters confidence and drive beamed through the screen. And it’s not the first time a child has taken the gold. I see up there with Anna Paquin and Tatum O’Neal.

Who Should Win: Hailee Steinfeld– See above. I’m too lazy to type.

Dark Horse: Jackie Weaver- Haven’t heard much about her so my guess is she did a good enough job to get nominated but doubt she will win.

BEST DIRECTOR
Who Will Win: Tom Hooper– He won the Directors Guild award and when that happens its pretty much a lock for the Academy award.

Who Should Win (Christopher Nolan should win but since he’s not even nominated):
I am going to break a rule (and since it’s my blog I can) and say that Im split between Tom Hooper for Kings Speech and David Fincher for The Social Network. Both were able to take rather mundane topics; a kings stutter and Facebook and create enthralling and very entertaining movies. I will probably always lean more towards Fincher just because I’ve loved all his films and he just keeps getting better. But I’ll be happy with either one taking it home

Dark Horse: The Cohen Brothers– They won in 2007 and while True Grit is a good movie I don’t see it as a “Wow what an amazing” film.

Best Screenplay Adapted (Might I point out. I was using the Academy Award website to remind me who was nominated and the screenplay awards were listed below sound mixing and visual effects. That’s how much respect writers get)
Who Will Win: Aaron Sorkin– He is an amazing writer, from a Few Good Men to the West Wing (and his other TV credits) to this. Who cares how accurate it is. When you hear the dialogue you are hearing the words of a master craftsman just like David Mamet and Shakespear.

Who Should Win: Aaron Sorkin– No need to repeat myself.

Dark Horse: Toy Story 3– I can’t recall any animated film taking home this prize. It would be nice to see it happen but I just don’t think it will be this year.

Best Screenplay Original:
Who Will Win: The Kings Speech– A film that is the front runner for best picture, best director and best actors can, in no way, leave out the writer because guess what..without the writer there wouldn’t have been a picture.

Who Should Win: Inception– Give Nolan something. This film was a masterpiece of writing and filmmaking.

Dark Horse: Another Year– A film that really hasn’t been talked about that much. Although it would be nice to see an unknown take it home.

Ok so that’s it. I highly doubt anyone care who I think will win best sound mixing or set design and I’m sure most of you don’t care either and that’s ok. I hope to keep on writing and keeping you entertained.

See ya.

Legion

I can’t recall the last time I saw a film where Angels were the bad guys, in fact I think Michael with John Travolta was the last time an Angel terrified humanity. Seeing the trailer for Legion got me all jazzed and I couldn’t wait to see the terror and action unfold before my eyes. Wasn’t quite sure why an angel would need large guns but I was open to anything.

What a mess.

That’s the exact thought that came to my head about an hour into this piece of drivel. The sad thing is, I love pre, post and everything in between apocalyptic flicks. The idea that God has had it with us and is about to pull the plug put me in a giddy mood to see some angel on angel action. I thought, at the very least, I could leave my brain at the door and have a good time. But apparently I would have enjoyed this film even more if I left my eyesight, hearing and any semblance of conciseness at the door as well.

Paul Benttany plays Michael, an Angel who defies God’s proclamation that humans are to be eradicated from the planet. He comes down and promptly cuts off his wings. Why? Don’t know, but I’m sure they’ll explain. He arrives at a diner populated by the saddest bunch of sad sacks to protect the unborn child of a waitress because said child will save humanity from it’s fate. How? Don’t know but I’m sure they’ll explain.. Then Angels, who have possessed humans, attack the diner. Why are angels possessing humans? Don’t know but I’m sure they’ll explain. Then another angel, Gabriel, arrives and seems to be the only angel that can now go near the newborn baby. Why? Don’t know, but I’m sure they’ll explain. I’m guessing you’re sensing a pattern here.

And there in lies the biggest problem for me, NOTHING IS EVER EXPLAINED!!!! Now I don’t need things spoon-fed to me and not every single solitary plot device has to be google mapped for me to figure out, but give me a little something. Why do Angels inhabit humans? Why did Michael cut off his wings especially when it would have been a lot quicker to convince people he was an angel and probably made fighting his fellow angels a bit easier? Why are angels afraid of bullets? Why do angels bleed and how exactly can they die? And why is God going through with this elaborate Lex Luthor-esque plan to kill an infant when all he would need to do is just make her miscarry? People tell me I over think this kind of stuff but I can’t help it when it’s pretty blatant. It’s like the writers were slamming away on their typewriters and someone else was reading each page and went “whoa whoa don’t you think you need to elaborate on certain items” and the writers went “Ahhh screw all that explaining stuff, we are giving them kick ass angels they won’t care about shit like that” As far as I’m concerned God did punish us by allowing this film to hit the theaters.

Avatar

Avatar is nothing short of a masterpiece. I won’t go into any detail but say what you will about Mr James Cameron; he’s insane, difficult to work with, an ego the size of Texas, but you can’t deny the man delivers. His near Howard Hughes level of perfectionism is perfectly captured with all that you see on the screen; the beautiful planet, the flora and fauna, the inhabitants themselves, all painstakingly created to make a world that we hope exists somewhere. Then you add the human element and military weaponry that would make Rambo cream his fatigues and you have the culmination of James Cameron. It just feels like everything he’s done before was just a warm up to this. You have elements of almost all his films, neatly mixed together plus a heaping helping of Dances with Wolves. The film looks beautiful, the acting is great and the action sequences totally breathtaking. I am going to make this short and sweet because quite frankly there really isn’t anything I can say without giving away stuff so I will end this by saying “Damn you Cameron, you did it again”