The Ballad of 2020

If you’re reading this congratulations you’ve survived 2020.

Pat on yourself on the back, take a bow, smoke’em if you got’em and all that.

It was a dumpster fire of a year and no matter what you needed to do to get through it, you deserve a medal.

2020 was the Donald Trump of years; an embarrassing, anger inducing, jaw dropping shit show. Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse.  But for each teeth gnashing situation that would rear its ugly head, there was those who stood up and tried to do good. For every idiotic non masker that screamed about the trampling of their rights, there were 10 masked people, Lone Rangers if you will, that shamed them and showed them the error of their ways. For every racist group that showed up to scream about the marginalizing of white people, there was a rainbow collation of people that showed the only race that matters is the human race.

But with all the nonsense that 2020 threw at us, we, as individuals, looked to find ways to bring some sunshine to the overbearing numbers of dark clouds.  The amount of tasty baked goods I saw from first time bakers was astounding. The sounds of music coming from first time musicians was emotional. The scarfs and hats coming from first time knitters was amazing. We all did what we could to survive. I didn’t bake or knit or create music, no I just watched films and TV. I gorged on comfort shows and films from my past, marveling at what held up and what may have had problematic elements. That was my way of coping with the world around me. So no matter what got you through this Hindenburg level disaster of a year, the important thing you made it to the other side.  

Now it’s the first day of 2021. Any reasonable person knows that no changes will occur within the first month (although there will be those watch tappers muttering under their breath where all the miracles are) But the one thing 2021 brings right from the start is hope.  A new year feels like a clean slate, like someone pressed the reset button. And while in reality life and time just moves forward, there is a renewed vigor that gets people excited about the future (granted that vigor dissipates after February but hey lets appreciate it while it’s here). 

Things have changed, the world we live in has changed, and society has changed. The old norms are no longer the norms. It’s time to adapt to this new reality and create new norms. Don’t hold back, make that music, knit that scarf, write that piece. Let your voice be heard and drown out the negative noise that this outgoing President has allowed to flourish. The 1 in 2021 means it’s the first step toward a better world, and while we may stumble, we keep moving forward.

My Own Private Ghost Story

Since 2020 is a garbage year and Halloween is being shelved because we should all stay safe I figured it would be a good time to recount a little personal ghost story.

I think it was 2004, my best friend and I were living together. One Friday night we had plans to meet with friends. I, unfortunately, had to back out as I had to work in the wee early mornings.  I bid my friend a fond farewell and told him to give everyone there my love. Since I was a responsible adult I went to bed at the geriatric hour of 9pm. At about 11:30pm I awoke to the sounds of muffled laughter and people running up and down the hallway of our apartment. I groggily got out of bed to say hi because even as a sleepy head I can’t help but be a social butterfly.  When I opened the door, the place was in complete darkness and there was no one around. I stepped further into the blackened hallway but there was nothing, no one, not a single soul. I was confused but I also thought “probably a dream that was so intense I thought it was real” yeah that was it.  So I went back to my room and went to bed

An hour later I heard the same noises, especially the people running up and down the hallway.  I got up and went to the door but I stopped myself from opening it, instead I crouched down and peeked through the opening at the bottom of the door. I saw…nothing. Again it was pitch black. I saw forms and waves but the ones you usually see when it’s dark almost an inky blackness. I was really confused. I thought “that cannot have been a dream, especially the same one in the same night”. I heard the noise 2 more times. The giggling, the running it was all insistent but for the rest of that evening I just stayed in bed.    

Now fast forward 2 weeks later. My downstairs neighbor’s parents are in town from England. We are very close to them so of course we go down on Sunday evening to say hi and hang out. During our visit this exchange occurs

Neighbors’ mom:  By the way what was all the ruckus going on at your place last night?

Me: What do you mean?

Neighbors’ mom:  Why were you guys running round upstairs?

(My best friend and I look to each other in confusion)

Me: What time did you hear all that?

Neighbors’ mom:  I would say about 11 maybe midnight

(SLIGHT PAUSE)

Me: We didn’t get home until almost 3am.  

Neighbors’ mom:  Are you sure?

My bestie and I nodded in unison.  There was dead silence.

Portrait of scary female ghost walking in the hotel corridor. Concept of Halloween horror

Xmas in Vegas

Like there aren’t enough lights up in Vegas. I’m sure at this time of year Alaskans can see Sin City from their windows. I’m here, once again, celebrating the holidays with my parents. Even though this is considered the adult play ground, Xmas has a way of giving that family vibe. Even if you are driving past the row of strip clubs and nudie bars, as long as they have tinsel and Santa somewhere you get that warm fuzzy feeling and I don’t mean the strippers Va-J.J.’s

Everyone is in the Xmas spirit; those people that hand you hooker business cards seem to have a little more pep in their step, the waitresses don’t glare as much when you tip them a quarter and the bartenders have reduced the amount of water they put in your drinks, it’s a festive time for everyone. Although I don’t think I will ever get used to Santa working the door at a strip club.

Ok I’ve babbled long enough about the wonders that is Las Vegas at this most holiest of times. I want to wish my friends and their family a Merry Xmas. Remember when it comes to gifts, it’s the thought that counts. Except for fruit cake, there was no thought and there for is cause to beat up the giver.

Thug Life 101

We all aspire to be more than what we are. We look for things that bring us joy and that will inspire us to greatness. The gangster life has always had that sexy appeal. I mean if you take away the guns, killing, drugs and death it actually is quite an exciting existence. The white man has seen fit to try to incorporate this type of life and make it his own. Now while some have succeeded (Eminem and Michael Rappaport) others have failed miserably. Now while I don’t profess to be an expert in the urban gang life I think I can give you, my faithful readers, some helpful tips so you can bring out your inner gangster with some class.

AGE CAN BE A FACTOR

Let me say this: you simply can’t be gangster if your testicles haven’t dropped. It’s a point of fact that 99.9999999% of gangsters can shave. So if you can walk into Chuck E Cheese by yourself and no one thinks you are a molester you are too young to be involved in the life. But if you do choose to go down this road remember, in order to be taken serious as an urban street soldier, you should lose the Tweety Bird clock, maybe it’s me but I tend to think that cute little animated bird clocks takes away from the gun toting ruffian persona you are trying to show off.

GANGSTISM

The formula for Gangstism is Gangster + Autism – Dignity. You must be realistic if you are going to attempt this. Put on your proper gangster hat ware to the side and ask your self “Does this make me look like a car jacking badass or a terrifying woodland creature from Grimm’s fairytale?” If the latter, put the hat down, put on your polo shirt and realize that something’s were never meant to be.

THE LOOK

Facial expression and body language can speak volumes. You are trying to look tough and for some this can be a challenge. Here we have an example of a man doing his best to seem intimidating; trying to strike fear in our hearts. Unfortunately his pursed lips and exposed belly help him cross the line from being cash stealing thug into Zima drinking back up dancer. Remember you are trying to look mean, not give Lance Bass a come hither look.

JUST GIVE UP

I don’t care how many tatts , arrest warrants, or items of bling you have; you can’t be gangster if you look like the staple guy from Office Space.

SIGNS

Gang signs are a vital part of the gangster persona. They are an indicator that you belong, that you “represent” as they say. When doing a group photo it is imperative that you and all your friends are in sync. Having the same or close to similar gang signs shows unity. In this case, the unity here is represented by the sheer retardedness of their hand signals. One guy looks like he just gave up and decided to show us a butterfly, another one seems to be giving the Vulcan salute and the rest are just crunching their hands up making them look less gangster and more arthritic.

TOO MUCH

There is such a thing as too much gangster as represented by this gentleman who looks like the lone survivor of post apocalyptic South Central. He endeavors to fit in so much that he decided to try to appeal to every form of gangster there is, thus making him, in his own mind The Uber Gangter; an amalgam of past, present and future gangsters to come. This is a big no no as you should find the look that fits you best and stick with it because by going over board you end up being less of a trash talking street hood and more like Liberace.

Well I would like to thank you all for taking time to check out my little tutorial. Remember dreams can be achieved if you put your mind to it, never give up and in the immortal words of Casey Kasem “keep you feet on the ground and keep reaching for Westsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!!”

Let the Viewers Decide

So I have been very neglectful with my blog. I have been helping an old company of mine with a project and I’ve been getting home late and, truth be told, I have just been lazy to write. But I must remedy this huge faux pax so I plan on working on some stuff. Now my dear friend Rachel posed the question “What’s next on the Yvis menu?”Now I have things I would like to write about but I am curious as to what my viewing audience would be interested in reading from me So here are the topics that have been swimming around in my head.

Weight Loss
Dating and being single
My experience being an audience memeber on the Ellen Show
Diabetes
Movie and TV stuff (reviews things like that)

Or if you have something you would like me to rant about please feel to speak your mind. I’ll see what the consensus is and take it from there. Let the games begin.