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Xmas in Vegas

Like there aren’t enough lights up in Vegas. I’m sure at this time of year Alaskans can see Sin City from their windows. I’m here, once again, celebrating the holidays with my parents. Even though this is considered the adult play ground, Xmas has a way of giving that family vibe. Even if you are driving past the row of strip clubs and nudie bars, as long as they have tinsel and Santa somewhere you get that warm fuzzy feeling and I don’t mean the strippers Va-J.J.’s

Everyone is in the Xmas spirit; those people that hand you hooker business cards seem to have a little more pep in their step, the waitresses don’t glare as much when you tip them a quarter and the bartenders have reduced the amount of water they put in your drinks, it’s a festive time for everyone. Although I don’t think I will ever get used to Santa working the door at a strip club.

Ok I’ve babbled long enough about the wonders that is Las Vegas at this most holiest of times. I want to wish my friends and their family a Merry Xmas. Remember when it comes to gifts, it’s the thought that counts. Except for fruit cake, there was no thought and there for is cause to beat up the giver.

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Thug Life 101

We all aspire to be more than what we are. We look for things that bring us joy and that will inspire us to greatness. The gangster life has always had that sexy appeal. I mean if you take away the guns, killing, drugs and death it actually is quite an exciting existence. The white man has seen fit to try to incorporate this type of life and make it his own. Now while some have succeeded (Eminem and Michael Rappaport) others have failed miserably. Now while I don’t profess to be an expert in the urban gang life I think I can give you, my faithful readers, some helpful tips so you can bring out your inner gangster with some class.

Tweety Gangster
Let me say this: you simply can’t be gangster if your testicles haven’t dropped. It’s a point of fact that 99.9999999% of gangsters can shave. So if you can walk into Chuck E Cheese by yourself and no one thinks you are a molester you are too young to be involved in the life. But if you do choose to go down this road remember, in order to be taken serious as an urban street soldier, you should lose the Tweety Bird clock, maybe it’s me but I tend to think that cute little animated bird clocks takes away from the gun toting ruffian persona you are trying to show off.

The formula for Gangstism is Gangster + Autism – Dignity. You must be realistic if you are going to attempt this. Put on your proper gangster hat ware to the side and ask your self “Does this make me look like a car jacking badass or a terrifying woodland creature from Grimm’s fairytale?” If the latter, put the hat down, put on your polo shirt and realize that something’s were never meant to be.

gay gangster
Facial expression and body language can speak volumes. You are trying to look tough and for some this can be a challenge. Here we have an example of a man doing his best to seem intimidating; trying to strike fear in our hearts. Unfortunately his pursed lips and exposed belly help him cross the line from being cash stealing thug into Zima drinking back up dancer. Remember you are trying to look mean, not give Lance Bass a come hither look.

fat gangster
I don’t care how many tatts , arrest warrants, or items of bling you have; you can’t be gangster if you look like the staple guy from Office Space.

Gang signs are a vital part of the gangster persona. They are an indicator that you belong, that you “represent” as they say. When doing a group photo it is imperative that you and all your friends are in sync. Having the same or close to similar gang signs shows unity. In this case, the unity here is represented by the sheer retardedness of their hand signals. One guy looks like he just gave up and decided to show us a butterfly, another one seems to be giving the Vulcan salute and the rest are just crunching their hands up making them look less gangster and more arthritic.

Too much gangster
There is such a thing as too much gangster as represented by this gentleman who looks like the lone survivor of post apocalyptic South Central. He endeavors to fit in so much that he decided to try to appeal to every form of gangster there is, thus making him, in his own mind The Uber Gangter; an amalgam of past, present and future gangsters to come. This is a big no no as you should find the look that fits you best and stick with it because by going over board you end up being less of a trash talking street hood and more like Liberace.

Well I would like to thank you all for taking time to check out my little tutorial. Remember dreams can be achieved if you put your mind to it, never give up and in the immortal words of Casey Kasem “keep you feet on the ground and keep reaching for Westsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!!”

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Let the Viewers Decide

So I have been very neglectful with my blog. I have been helping an old company of mine with a project and I’ve been getting home late and, truth be told, I have just been lazy to write. But I must remedy this huge faux pax so I plan on working on some stuff. Now my dear friend Rachel posed the question “What’s next on the Yvis menu?”Now I have things I would like to write about but I am curious as to what my viewing audience would be interested in reading from me So here are the topics that have been swimming around in my head.

Weight Loss
Dating and being single
My experience being an audience memeber on the Ellen Show
Movie and TV stuff (reviews things like that)

Or if you have something you would like me to rant about please feel to speak your mind. I’ll see what the consensus is and take it from there. Let the games begin.