A small section of our brains draws us into bad movies. I believe there is a little person who resides somewhere between our logical brain and our creative brain. This little person just sits there, minding their own business when they catch a glimpse of something they can’t quite figure out. So they go to the logical side…but nothing there helps. Ah, then perhaps the answers lie in the creative side. Even the most abstract, the oddest things can still have merit and even make you stand in awe of their creativity. But alas, even the library of oddity doesn’t help make sense of what they saw. And so this little person runs back and forth, panic-stricken between the two, looking for answers that will, sadly, never come. And that my friends is what a really bad movies is all about.
I’m not talking about “Man that was dull” or “Jeez that was terrible” I’m talking about movies so bad that it somehow comes full circle to where you want to share this turd gem with all your friends, family and any random stranger that happens to walk by you. A film that brings a smile to your face even though it’s a reminder that there are 2 hours of your life floating around that you will never ever get back, no matter how many deals with God you make. A film of such epic awfulness you constantly ask yourself “This was done on purpose, this is some sort of performance piece and I’m falling for it” but the reality is much sadder. I do heart-bad movies. There is a reason why they are compared to car accidents; the truly crappy films compel us to watch even when we should turn away or at the very least turn off the TV. We know this is terrible but terrible at such a level that all you can do is stare and see where it goes. This, I believe, is what a moth thinks right before it gets zapped; but at least its torture is over. I don’t care who you are: from the movie snob (“I will only watch movies from countries whose name I cannot pronounce”) to the film purist (“Anything made after 1944 is crap”) we all have that film we know is bottom of the barrel but for some reason there is a soft spot. I love Jaws 3, I mean the idea of a shark attacking a water park balances that tightrope of sheer brilliance and utter stupidity. But while some teeter on the line, others just kick it out of the way or snort it and look for more, DRACULA 3000 is such a film.
If you ever thought “Hmmm I wonder what Bram Stroker being savagely beaten would look like” then this is the movie for you. This grand opus stars Casper Van Dien (the crown prince of direct-to-video), Tiny Lister, Coolio, and Erika Eleniak basically an all-star cast (if this was filmed by your uncle in a basement). In the year 3000, the space salvage ship Mother III happens upon the derelict transport Demeter. Captain van Helsing (Casper Van Dien) and his crew board the abandoned ship. They come across the corpse of the commander played by the great Udo Kier (Whom I’m guessing needed to make a car payment) who happens to be clutching a cross (cue dramatic DUM DUM DUUUUUM). So they get stuck on the Demeter and are getting attacked by the most atrocious Eurotrash Dracula I have ever seen. He’s wearing this gaudy purple crushed velvet outfit that would make Prince cringe and has an accent that makes me believe he went to the Yakof Smirnoff School of Acting. Now when I say “attacked” I mean people disappear and then suddenly reappear as vampires. Dracula only appears in the film for a total of 10 minutes, so don’t blink.
All in all this film is garbage with a capital GAR. Following in the tradition of “characters who have no business in outer space” – You’d think a villain whose main weakness is sunlight being in outer space would make him an unstoppable killing machine but noooope. They just didn’t know where to go with it and just when you think it can’t get any worse they hit you with an ending that makes you want to drop ass-first onto a sword. What’s really shocking is that this is the same guy who directed CRY THE BELOVED COUNTRY, a very good film about South Africa. Dude what the hell happened?????? All I can say is: Forgive them Bram, they know not what they do.
I'm Just Sayin' 